hiester.com

McCain camp scrambling after Lindsay Lohan turns down VP offer.

Welcome to Citizen’s Bank Park. We want to remind our audience that August 5th is Motrin IB Ladies’ Night, so take your menstrual cramps out to the ballgame and keep your eyes on the Jumbotron while we hear the Phlailin’ Phils describe in their own words exactly how they plan to secure the disappointing third place spot in the National League East.

• Jimmy Rollins: “As the leadoff hitter, it all starts with me. I’m gonna keep swinging at first pitches. I won’t get on base too often and that’s just the fizzle we need to get off to a bad start. “
• Brett Myers: “Everything’s great. I’m very happy with my performance.”
• Ryan Madson: “I think I speak for the entire bullpen when I say that we’re going to give up more homers and big hits, especially when we have a lead.”
• Kyle Kendrick: “I’ll just keep throwing my limited repertoire of poorly located pitches with predictable velocity and make sure no batters feel intimidated when they step in against me. All I can do is put us in a position to lose. If the team can score less than three runs, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a bust the rest of the way out.”
• Pat Gillick: “I’ve set up the pitching rotation with a bunch of guys who are either too young or too old. 40-year-old perpetually injured Tom Gordon is the key to our bullpen. We’re always depending on 45-year-old Jamie Moyer to give us seven innings. Hamels’ chiropractor(who gets paid more than Hamels, HA HA HA!) says his astrological chart looks pretty bad for August, so that helps us lose. Enough of the duct tape and pocket lint have fallen off of this B-list staff that we’re headed for the bottom of the division. You won’t hear anybody saying ‘Cy Young’ and ‘Phillies’ in the same sentence, thanks to me.”
• Ryan Howard: “You’d think 55 homers and 150 RBI would help us win, but if I can keep up my throwing errors in crucial situations, we’ll probably lose enough to just miss the wild card. “
• Charlie Manuel: “If you’re a player, I used to be your best buddy. Rasslin’ and jokin’ around. Now I’m General George S. Patton. They used to have fun, but now our clubhouse is like a bunch a long-tailed cats in a room full of rockin’ chairs. Just gotta keep ‘em real tense like a drought waitin’ for the lady rain. Heck, the Phil’s will probably drop the club option next year and I’ll be back makin’ La-Z-Boys in Virginny.”
• Adam Eaton: “I either pitch great or I’m horrible. I can’t seem to get right in the middle. See, that’s what we need from me: a mediocre start that keeps me from getting yanked early. If the guys help me out by keeping their bats real quiet, I can turn my ‘quality starts’ into losses. I don’t want to pitch too well, you know. It’s not like I’m getting A-Rod money or anything. If I pull a Burrell next year and win 20 in the final year of my contract, somebody’s gonna throw $14 mil or so my way, and it’s not gonna be these cheapskate Phillies owners.”
• Chris Wheeler: “Hoo, baby! Did you see that pitch? He got right up in his kitchen. I mean the guy’s lookin’ for a pitch to hit, you know, something right in his wheelhouse, so he could just turn on that baby and rip a laser into the gap. But instead, he’s on his back chokin’ on dust. That pitch was in his outhouse, maybe even in his powder room and it broke the mirror and knocked the air freshener right into the trash can. Then he throws the next pitch right up into his home theater entertainment room and it ended up stuck in his Miele stackable washer and dryer. Yeah, he was trying to go middle-in with that hard slider and have it tail in on the hands of the lefty and he just left it up belt-high and I mean it got crushed. That ball was surf and turf served up on a gold platter with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert. He had to put on a bib and a pair of cufflinks to hit that baby.”
• Harry Kalas: “Wheels is going to go into the back room and hyperventilate for a few minutes. I give the Phillies two chances to win the division: slim and none–and slim just left town. Watch this season go….outta here!”
• Carlos Ruiz: “Mas pagas doble”

Dear Alycia Lane,

Although some people think you are overpaid, I disagree. I would like to apply for the position of your Personal Email Security Expert. We could negotiate a salary. I’ll show you how to change your Yahoo! Mail password. It’s a little tricky, but I’m an expert. I have a Yahoo! Mail account and I’ve changed my own password hundreds of times. Sometimes I change it up to 15 times a day. Once in a while during a little break during work, I’ll do a quick password change. Maybe I’m obsessed with changing my password. I often send notes to colleagues letting them know that I just changed my password, so they don’t even think of snooping on my email. My behavior might seem a little strange, but I assure you that nobody is sending any photos of me in my Speedo to Linda Cohn.

Have your people call me.

Chris “Celebrity Password Protector” Hiester

Last night at Van Colln memorial fields where the Fairmount Sports Association baseball games are played, there was lots of discussion about a thread on Phillyblog regarding controversy in the championship of the boys 6-9 little league. I was hoping to read the thread on PhillyBlog, but found that PhillyBlog was down this morning when I visited. I did a search and found that there is a pattern of this site being down in the morning.

My son plays on one of the teams that played for the championship and I’m hoping I can contribute some of my observations to the discussion.

PhillyBlog is back online and it feels good to get this off my chest.

Justices Reject D.C. Ban On Handgun Ownership

Where do I sign up for my local militia? I’m very concerned about our nation being invaded and toppled because our weak, unarmed citizenry will not be able to mount a defense.

And to the guy holding up the sign that said, “If guns kill, do pens misspell words?” I reply: Ask any emergency room surgeon how many misspelled words victims they treated today, or ever.

Agenda:

1. Spending a lot of money to prolong a campaign that has no chance of winning
2. Dividing the fan base
3. What to do while you’re sitting on the sidelines watching the big contest in the fall